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| know |

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Many times I’ve heard the exasperated phrases “God only knows what she was thinking when she did that.”  or “God knows what’s going on.”  Some kind of offhand remarks for questions like What is going on? Or what was she thinking?


While doing a little self reflection, I must consider how many times I’ve thought “Well God knows what’s really going on here, I”ll let Him deal with that, they’ll have to answer for that.” or “God knows my thoughts, repent and ask for forgiveness or you’ll have to answer for that someday”  yikes…

This past weekend on our trip to Pittsburgh, we had the gift of hours in the truck.  Some hours spent talking with each other, other hours just silent each caught up in our own thoughts.  Quiet hours are the best times for me when my brain and heart can connect. This song by For King and Country, “God only knows” came on and  it’s struck me with some deep thoughts the last few days. I’m taking the time now to write them out and think them through. I hope you can follow.  

Listen to it.  

When Nobody knows. 

Do I trust that God knowing is enough?  Do I recognize that His knowing is the one that counts?  Do I believe that it’s enough that God knows, He’s seen it all, He recognizes what I’ve been through.  That He’s my protector, He’s got my back? Do I believe it’s enough that God knows what people say about me; He knows the truth, good or bad, because HE is Truth?  

But more importantly do I believe that God knows the real me; the me He created, the me He gave very specific characteristics, plans and purposes to?

Can I be honest with myself and see the possibility that my version of me, the lies of my insignificance, or unworthiness; that other’s version of me because of my past choices, interactions, mistakes and misunderstandings; in reality might not be God’s version of me?

Might not be how God knows me, sees me, understands me, loves me.  

Can it be enough for me to trust God with what He knows?  Of course it should be, He died to save me.

There is a kind of love that God only knows.  

A kind of love only He knows how to give. 

A kind of love that NO one else can give.  

A kind of love specific for me, for my pain that maybe nobody knows exists. 

A kind of love specifically designed to heal me, to satisfy and meet my needs and cover my wounds.  

When Somebody knows.

Can I even begin to imagine the freedom, relief, and comfort of KNOWING and I mean deep down in my heart and mind, trusting and knowing that He sees me and loves me?  

That His mercy and grace sees my ugly thoughts, my recurring choices, my failings. He knows. 

And He knows because He’s God he’s for the lonely, for the ashamed, for the misunderstood and for the ones to blame.

He gives me the chance to start over.  

To be forgiven. 

To trust He’s got me.

He knows the me that is yet to be discovered.  

Personally, I struggle a lot with the fact that God does know me.  I hate that He knows my failings, my shortcomings. But you know what?  God even knows that.  That my desire is to love and serve Him. To give Him my best despite of all the ways I fail and disappoint Him.  

There’s a kind of love that God only knows.  I am so encouraged, grateful, and in awe of Him.  That He knows the kind of love I give Him. I give Him my praise and love in a way that looks different than others.  I’m designed to give Him a love that only He knows. Glorify only Him in a way others don’t deserve to receive.  

That’s an intimacy I can’t get enough of.  

So many knows.  

So much yet to know.  

So much we get the opportunity to seek and then know.  

Who do I want to know?

| magnify |

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I’ve got a new favorite song.  It’s powerful and maybe it’s just me and where I find myself right now, but it can bring me to my knees almost every time I listen to it.

This song has been constantly on my mind these last few weeks. I’m struck by the idea of what so easily becomes magnified in my life.  Sometimes it’s a small thing, you know?  Like something I would need both worry and anxiety to magnify it and BAM! all of the sudden POOF there it is keeping me up at night, making me cry when I think of it, sucking my time and energy trying to figure it out.  

These last few days I’ve got this magnified thing with me.  It’s a problem.  It involves one of my kids.  It’s an abuse.  It wasn’t handled right.  I could flip my lid.  I can’t figure out what to do with it.  It’s absurd.  It’s disturbing.  It’s painful.  I’d like to hide from it.  It kept me awake last night.  

Sunday morning I felt like God was saying to me, “Well then Bethany you don’t know me like I want you to know me.  If you second guess and have to question my motives, who am I to you?”  

WHO AM I TO YOU??

My prayer quickly became.  “I want to know you.  I don’t want to so quickly resort to me.”  And then this song verse came to mind and I understood.  

“God be greater than the worry in my life.  Be stronger than the weakness in my mind.  Be louder, let your glory come alive.  Be magnified.”

I’m a capable person.  I have a strong personality.  Both are my God given traits, but if I’m not in submission to Him …  They cause ME to be magnified.  They cause me to rely on ME.  They cause me to resort to ME.  

Not to the One who created me and has never and will never disregard my cause.  I want to resort to Him.  

So last night, I’m awake.  

  • 11pm.  Rehearsing in my head how I’m going to tell this guy off.  
  • 12am. I’m thinking up scenarios and what others might do in my situation.  
  • 1am.  Finally praying, God I need to sleep, shut this off.  Take it away.  

This morning I pushed through my fears, nobody knew how badly I was struggling.  I prayed with them, put them on the bus and only then do I hear my 6 year old singing 

“God be greater than the worry in my life.  Be stronger than the weakness in my mind.  Be louder, let your glory come alive.  Be magnified.”

we are messengers

Oh how God uses my children. Oh how He is already building in them and activating their spiritual gifts and their obedience to Him is another whole post.  For now, I’m just going to be teary and thankful that He gave them to me and that He’ll never disregard any of our causes.

| worth |

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“’Til He appeared and the soul felt it’s worth”

Every year when I’m decorating for Christmas at my home, I usually decorate with a chalkboard.  I try to come up with a verse, chorus, or line from a Christmas carol or the Bible and display it for the season.  Ever want to get a carol stuck in your head?  Put it where you’ll see it every 5 minutes… 🙂

This year though, He was prepping me early.  I’ve got the word LOVE just running through my head.  When I say love I mean love in the sense of worth or value.  

There is something to advent, to the preparation for Christmas Day.  The month of December is filled with wonder for a lot of reasons.  I’m anticipating it like never before as I’m learning about this thought of worth.”‘Til He appeared and the soul felt its worth.”  

I’m still reading through Beth Moore’s book, Audacious.  One of the many great points she makes is that if I want to live a bold life doing what God has created me to do, I must first understand how much my Creator loves me.  

I thought I could, but I can’t.  I can’t begin to understand it.  

Two major events in history show just how much my Creator loves me.  And you.  His ultimate sacrifice, His death on the cross, the salvation for my sins.  But before that, before He healed the sick, walked with the disciples, before He sat in the temple courts, before His birth in the stable.  I’m talking about the time that GOD decided He loved His creations so much and we were so worth it, that He left heaven and appeared as a baby so our soul’s could know their worth.  Can you grasp that?  

He who was and is God.  Had no reason other than His unbelieveable, unfathomable love for me came as the weakest.  God was God as a baby birthed by Mary.  He was God when He fell learning to walk.  He was God when He performed miracles.  And He was God when He was crucified.  

Why?  To show my soul’s it’s worth.  To demonstrate how much He values me.  How much He thinks I’m worth it.  

It kinda feels like the ball is in my court.  Know what I mean?  Like what do I do with that? What am I doing?!? Am I living like I know my worth?  Or am I timid and full of doubt.  Am I living a bold life, one that brings Him glory.  Or do I fear rejection and live to please myself and others.  Does my life show His sacrifice at both birth and death were worth it?  ((ahhh why are there so many questions in life!?!)

Does my life show His sacrifice at both His birth and His death were worth it?

Before I start my crazy, before I start to write a checklist and do all the things…. He reminds me.

Do I understand that no matter how great I am, how much I live for Christ or how badly I mess up or disappoint that His grace and mercy mean that he would do it again?  He would come again and die again. That I can’t earn his love.  Nor can I ever lose his love.  Because He is love, God is love.  

On Sunday, I heard this statement that God didn’t become a Christian when Christ was born… umm yeah.  No duh.  But don’t I sometimes act that way?  Like it all changed when Jesus came, no not really.  One thing didn’t change.  God didn’t.  God was all the things He is now before Christ’s birth and in the Old Testament and at the beginning of time, it’s just the gift I received because of His birth.  

The gift of revelation.  

The gift of understanding.  

The gift of feeling my soul’s worth.